I just had a breakthrough. After spending the first three weeks of grad school feeling pretty certain that I was the most inept fraud ever to trip through the front doors of the ivory tower and erratically bursting into tears every time I thought about the mounds of reading I had to do and papers I had to grade, and telling myself to cheer up, it’s all in the way I look at it, I realized that IT IS all in the way I look at it.
Trust me when I say I thought I had made a huge mistake at first. I felt incredibly stuck and tied down…two feelings that make me want to sprint as fast as I can in the other direction. I was seriously examining all exit strategies I had available (which didn’t appear to be that many, as I’d signed a contract to teach), wondering if disappearing to some remote island off the coast of Bali was too extreme. What am I doing in an English graduate program that focuses on preparing you to teach? I don’t want to teach! I want to write! And I want to be a photographer and an actor!
While the particular grad program I’m in isn’t exactly my perfect cup of tea (earl grey with a splash of milk and sugar, thanks!), I just came to the conclusion that I could learn to like it. Or at least tolerate it for the next two years. I even just got slightly excited about the prospect of becoming educated in areas I’ve never explored or considered. I feel like this might just be great.
We’ll see how long it lasts.
Just keep paddling 🙂
Photo from our trip to Glacier National Park two weeks ago.